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Friday, October 12, 2018

trusting the wait

i find myself wondering (and googling) about how i should really be feeling about this last month. eager? hopeful? confident? overwhelmed? we knew coming into the world of infertility that nothing is promised to you. no matter how much money you spend, how many shots you give yourself, how many appointments you attend - you're not guaranteed that you'll see success in this incredibly unfair journey.

it's terrifying. it's sad. it's even hopeful (on the good days). you never what to expect or how you're going to feel - it's almost as if something else is control your body and you're along for the ride because you want this more than anything.

65 days of prepping myself for an egg retrieval.
57 days of birth control pills. 
51 shots. 
18 appointments, ultrasounds, blood draws. 

and out of that comes
3 mature eggs
 2 fertilized embryos
1 embryo sent for genetic testing
 and 0 embryos that came back as normal.

cue heart break

to say that i’m upset or disappointed isn’t even the case right now. sure, those are good words to describe our first failed IVF cycle, but it doesn’t even come close as to how disheartened we are.

i'm so incredibly sad and it's okay to feel that way, i know. it also doesn't help that this is the time that i would be due with the little one we lost in April. my heart is grieving for both of those experiences that unfortunately i've been dealt with, and i just don't know how to be happy and stress-free right now.

i appreciate my husband more than anything in this world for how he's handling me and this situation. he always tries to see the positive in things and is excited for the start of another IVF cycle to see what will come out of it. albeit, i am too, but i still can't help but think - really? more waiting? 

we'll continue on with our days, working and enjoying each other (and the dogs). i'll be crocheting, zack will be working on his jeep. we'll see movies and eat junk food, because why not? we'll continue to trust the wait, because right now, it's the only thing we can do.

cheers,
kelly

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

the time has come

for someone who is dealing with infertility, every single day is a struggle. whether it's seeing a pregnant woman in target or watching babies babble on tv or hearing a million questions that inquiring toddler minds want to know... it's a constant struggle.


i know, i know... people have been inquiring about when we would actually have a (human) baby for the last 7 years that we've been married. was it annoying? yes! but i understood why they were asking and never took offense to it simply because it was always for the right reasons. 

well... if you haven't been following us too closely, we're currently undergoing IVF treatments. those closest to us are aware and have been wonderful in giving us their love and support. we're going to be really open about this process because it's completely new to us (and many of our family and friends). some won't understand why we're sharing what we are, but we believe that the more support we have... the better. 


this isn't an easy process, and quite frankly, we knew that it never would be. BUT! we're thinking positive and doing the best that we can, but there are times where my emotions get the best of me.

yes, i get emotional. 

no, i don't want to know about how fertile you are. sorry, not sorry.

yes, i'd love for you to pray for us and keep us in your thoughts. 

no, i don't want to hear about your sister's second cousin who "couldn't get pregnant" but now has 5 kids. 


we're not asking for twins. we're not asking for 5 kids. we're not asking for anything unreasonable

you know what we ARE asking for? a chance. a miracle. just one strong, healthy little embryo.  

a little humor, because we all need more in our lives!

so, at this point, friends... we need your thoughts, your prayers... because simply, we need all the good juju we can get.

if you want to ask us how it's going, please don't hesitate to ask! we're always willing to be open and communicative with those who are genuinely interested. but if there are days that i'm quiet or withdrawn... i'm struggling. and that's okay. 

we thank you for your support and will be eternally grateful for your love. 

kelly  + zack