Friday, October 12, 2018

trusting the wait

i find myself wondering (and googling) about how i should really be feeling about this last month. eager? hopeful? confident? overwhelmed? we knew coming into the world of infertility that nothing is promised to you. no matter how much money you spend, how many shots you give yourself, how many appointments you attend - you're not guaranteed that you'll see success in this incredibly unfair journey.

it's terrifying. it's sad. it's even hopeful (on the good days). you never what to expect or how you're going to feel - it's almost as if something else is control your body and you're along for the ride because you want this more than anything.

65 days of prepping myself for an egg retrieval.
57 days of birth control pills. 
51 shots. 
18 appointments, ultrasounds, blood draws. 

and out of that comes
3 mature eggs
 2 fertilized embryos
1 embryo sent for genetic testing
 and 0 embryos that came back as normal.

cue heart break

to say that i’m upset or disappointed isn’t even the case right now. sure, those are good words to describe our first failed IVF cycle, but it doesn’t even come close as to how disheartened we are.

i'm so incredibly sad and it's okay to feel that way, i know. it also doesn't help that this is the time that i would be due with the little one we lost in April. my heart is grieving for both of those experiences that unfortunately i've been dealt with, and i just don't know how to be happy and stress-free right now.

i appreciate my husband more than anything in this world for how he's handling me and this situation. he always tries to see the positive in things and is excited for the start of another IVF cycle to see what will come out of it. albeit, i am too, but i still can't help but think - really? more waiting? 

we'll continue on with our days, working and enjoying each other (and the dogs). i'll be crocheting, zack will be working on his jeep. we'll see movies and eat junk food, because why not? we'll continue to trust the wait, because right now, it's the only thing we can do.


1 comment:

  1. Kelly, I cannot imagine the struggle, emotional, physical, spiritual, that the two of you are going through. I won't pretend to, either. I will spare you platitudes and well-wishes, and comments of empty thoughts and prayers. I will tell you this: in May of 1983 and again in May of 1984, I had miscarriages. For the longest time over the next almost two years I felt as though I was walking through Jello, like the voice that should be mine was muffled, garbled, strange. I had two other children already and knew that I had to concentrate on their wellbeing, but still.....nothing felt right. And I can tell you that even now, all this time later, when those anniversary dates roll around....sometimes I feel it all over again. Oh, not for long, and not such that anyone else would know...but my heart knows. I don't say this to depress you, or to solicit any form of sympathy. I say it to say this: God has indeed prepared a plan, a detailed, marvelous plan for you and Zack. He has children for you to shower with all that love and care and kindness and compassion and fun. Wait for Him. He will show you His His time. Prayers for you both.......... Carolyn Santanella


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